ZA's Writings: 2013

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Free Poetry Ebook And A Book Giveaway!

I've got an announcement! Today through December 14th, the ebook version of, Zeal Aspiring, is free on Kindle!

Also, on my other blog I'm giving away four different signed books!

Head over and check it out!

~ZA

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Lost In Silence

The words of this blog post hit me hard: The 13th Floor Issue of Everything Left Unsaid . I know what this is talking about and have been through parts of it my share of times... At the root of it, most came about because I or another was afraid how the other would react if we said how we really felt... Those lessons were painful, but we have a new bond of honesty between us from it.

The fact that I've dropped into periods of silence myself more than once, and that I've helped friends sort through similar situations tells me that this isn't an abnormal reaction in many cases. Misunderstandings happen, and those closest to us can cause us pain inadvertently or on purpose, but if you love someone you need to take the risk of talking it out... Silence to sort our thoughts or to try to let it go is not wrong - I'm just saying that you should never hold everything back and let the feelings of hurt take root in your friendship and grow. It will fester until you can hardly think of them without considering things said. Now there are times when it is not wise to speak out...but you should never choose to go silent because of fear.

What have I learned from these situations of my own and trying to help others in them? Silence won't heal the rift - If something is wrong, just say it. Don't close off and think it'll get better and justify the other person's actions. Let them know you value their friendship then honestly state what's been bothering you... A true friend will seek to help right things again.

"You will not wait for the silence to consume us, until all that we’re left with is polite conversation and shallow niceties. You will not let the uncomfortable pile in between us until we’re left drowning under the weight of things unsaid. You will not deny the realness of the situation or gloss over the details. You will say it to my face: “I value you too much to hide behind my own self-preservation. Come on. Let’s talk.“" -Isa Garcia

"What I have learned from these relationships is that we were both too scared that if we said something, we would cross a divide, not knowing the irony: that there is nothing as divisive as silence.

Perhaps you will hesitate or put it off, until the very last minute. But, if you love me, you will do me the honor of valuing your transparency over my comfort." - Isa Garcia

So here for you is a poem/freeverse/prose thingy trying to be a poem:

Lost In Silence

11/22/13

I'd rather be silent than expose myself to you.

I'm probably just being stupid.

“Get over it!” Self mocks me.

You don't need to see how I'm feeling.

These feelings... they'll blow over, given time...

So I'll go quiet.

I'll close up.

I'll smile and pretend I'm doing okay.

Better to pretend than have to relive that again.

We both know something happened -

Now we tiptoe on glass shards that cut slivers on our feet

While pretending the glass never was broken...

You broke it.

I broke it.

We knocked it over together but

Neither of us wants to admit what we're really feeling.

“My fault. My fault. All of this is my fault,”

Those words sing-song laugh in my mind.

This guilt is mine but I'll hide that from you too -

No need for you to see how warped my thinking has become.

The thought of talking this out with you terrifies me

But it's also what I want the most...

The thing I want the most, yet I bury the possibility under layers.

Layers of, “It's not that important.”

“I should learn to deal with it by myself.”

“It wouldn't fix anything even if I tried.”

Can't take it. Close down thoughts. Shut them down. Go silent.

Not real silent – but the kind of silent that never brushes past,
“Yeah, today was fine,”

To the real tangled up emotion.

You and I, we're still friends, but the tension is just below the surface.

“You hurt me!” Whispers the betrayed voice in my head.

“No... I'm just being stupid...”

“The fact that I can't let this go shows how poor a friend I am.”

We both know something is wrong

But walking on glass shards seems safer than cutting open the real problem.

Whose fault is it?

My fault?

Your fault?

In reality it's somewhat shared, but this silence has even bound that truth.

We go through the motions like everything's okay

While underneath we're pulling farther and farther apart.

What went wrong? I'm still not sure.

Yeah, maybe asking would help...

But I can't risk feeling that pain again.

Then one day

A little crack, a misplaced word, a meaningless jibe

And suddenly the landslide breaks.

Floods of hurt,

Confusion,

Longing,

Missing,

Not knowing -

All of it swirls about in chaotic wind.

“But why didn't you -”

“I didn't think you'd understand-”

“I felt alone -”

“I wanted you here -”

“Why did you -”

“Because I thought I'd lose you.”

The words flow free, exposing all the tangled strings.

We tied the knots together when we doubted each other's care.

We pulled back when all we really wanted was to be held closer...

So we both thought the damage being done was solely in our hands.

Our feelings twist and clench but we smooth things out bit by bit;

Apologies and promises of honesty

Give weight to our discussion.

In the end we're wiser than we were

And stronger friends in many ways.

Now we know...

Talking it out is painful,

But not as painful as pressing it down.

Honesty hurts, but it's worth it...

Because I never want to lose you, my friend,

To silence.

~ZA

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Lullaby Rest

Original Picture from Flickr, Gary Simmons

This is a poem I wrote for a short story. The first verse was for a short story and then I wrote the rest of it for a friend.

You can read the short story here: Dreamer

Lullaby Rest

4/27/13

Rest, little one,

Quiet your cries.

Listen to the sound

Of gentle lullabies.

Tomorrow is coming

So lay down your fears.

May the light of the dawning,

Dry all of your tears.

Dark is the night,

Hidden away

Wishing for dawn,

In the midst of the day.

For life is a mystery,

Of things never known.

Of tangled history

Elusive and windblown.

Yet, here I will stay,

Close near you now.

Though deep are the shadows,

That may cast you down.

Love growing stronger,

For you, friend of mine.

I will stand by you,

A small light to shine.

~ZA

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Music's Dance

9/26/13

Dance around, let the music patter.

Feel the rain falling down, down, down.

Move, dear friend, let the rhythm steal you,

Past the thoughts hiding in your frown.

Dive beneath, let the music ripple.

Feel the waves lapping near, near, near.

Swim, dear friend, let the current reach you,

Strike down deep to the sound so clear.

Smile alone, let the music whisper.

Feel the sun shining bright, bright, bright.

Run, dear friend, let the warmth release you,

Leap and twirl through the dawn's first light.

Sing again, let the music shimmer.

Feel the wind blowing 'round, 'round, 'round.

Laugh, dear friend, let the music take you

To the dreams drifting toward the ground.

Shout aloud, let the music gather.

Feel the sound growing strong, strong, strong.

Sway, dear friend, let the music fill you,

Hold the joy finding you belong.

Just believe, let the music shatter.

Feel the shards as they sting, sting, sting.

Live, dear friend, let the music prick you

In your heart where your voice takes wing.

Look inside, let the music wander.

Feel the tune twisting out, out, out.

Reach, dear friend, let the music stretch you

Past the coils in your sea of doubt.

Splash within, let the music color.

Feel the song rising high, high, high.

Sit, dear friend, let the music touch you

Deep inside where your heart now flies.

~ZA

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Writing Heart-Prints

Writing a book is very easy. Just give up your life, strip off all your lies, lash yourself to a rock, push yourself until you think you’re going to die, ignore people when they say nothing you write is worth reading, and then publish it and beg people to buy it. Easy. – David Groves

Striving To Write Honestly.

Writing Heart-Prints

9/22/13

Let me write with blood stamped throughout it -

The blood of hidden memories.

The blood of my true self.

The red of my own heart-cries

Scribbled on each stained page

And fingerprinted with honesty.

Words twisting and dancing

From experience, friendships, sorrows-

Marked out from my heart...

Let my words capture that, even to some degree.

It doesn't come easy.

It isn't without aches...

There are other words I can write

To perhaps still appease the longing to share.

Glossy colors flow,

Painting soft shades of light

That can often mask the reality.

They dance across the shadows,

And while they are not wrong,

They are not quite right either.

They don't cry from the depths of my heart

The same way heart-prints do.

Yet, there are days when the airy colored tendrils

Seem the safer things to write.

Whispers all around me call to be written.

I listen.

I hear the words that sing to be free.

Through the brambles, through the fire,

Through the long nights,

And quiet loneliness

They cry out.

Deep inside me, they well up

To leak over everything I touch.

I clench my hands.

It can hurt to let those words spill over,

Watching them seep into my colored paper

And tint everything in their wake...

They sink and weigh heavily on my heart;

I believe many of them echo those around me.

It hurts to write the cries of a heart in pain -

To write the cries of my own pain.

Ah, but it's worth it in the end, I think.

When I reach out my hand,

Letting myself escape within my writing

To sprinkle heart-prints over everything I share,

I am truly me.

~ZA

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Laughing

Laughing
9/11/13

Shoulders shaking,
Head tilted back,
Laughing
Until I'm gasping
And my sides ache
From trying to be quieter -
That's the kind of laughing I like.

Contented feeling,
With a wide smile
Listening
As a friend laughs
At something I said,
And hearing their amusement -
That's the kind of laughing I like.

Crazy looks
Of silly faces
Shaking
As silent laughter builds
And nothing needs be said
To grow each other's laughs -
That's the kind of laughing I like.

Stifled sound
Of amused giggles
Escaping
Late at night
When we should be in bed
But we're having way too much fun -
That's the kind of laughing I like.

Mutual enjoyment
Of a shared joke,
Snickering
At what no one else would get
And repeating the nonsense
Until both can't breathe -
That's the kind of laughing I like.

Being together
To laugh despite the day,
Understanding
How to make each other smile
And what we find funny
When we share stories -
That's the kind of laughing I like.

~ZA

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Waves Of Your Will

Original Picture From Flickr

I spent a lot of time at the ocean this summer. As I watched the waves and went swimming I was struck again how /small/ I am. The ocean is vast and strong enough to knock my feet out from under me; the tide keeps coming and there is nothing I can do to control it... *Smiles* I wrote this poem thinking about the ocean and the strength of God's will.

Waves Of Your Will

8/4/13

When tomorrow comes

May I know more about You, Lord.

Day by day, please lead me.

It's all I long for -

To feel Your presence in my life.

I feel so small in the face of what You ask,

But You tell me to run

Full hearted after You.

I want to take a deep breath

To dive into the ocean of Your will

And give myself totally over to You.

No more of this standing on the shore

With my feet barely wet,

Afraid to take the plunge.

The waves crash in and sweep back the sand of my plans.

I've built fragile drip castles that I try to keep

Just on the edge of Your tide.

I stand watching,

Wondering if I dare to go into that unknown ocean

And leave behind my castles.

I hear Your voice calling -

Calling, calling, calling me to trust You

And let go.

So I hold my breath

And run into the waves.

It's much deeper than I thought,

And I lose my footing.

For a moment I struggle –

Crying out as the sand of my plans slides away.

Your current gently lifts me

And pulls me into deeper waters;

It's strong and out of my control

But somehow a sense of overwhelming peace is there.

I don't always follow as I should.

Sometimes I still go to the ocean's edge to build my sand castles,

As if I can keep them from You.

I struggle with letting You have control of all my life,

But You keep calling me back -

Back into the glorious wonder of striving for Your will.

But oh, that is hard to do -

Often times I fight Your current

Instead of swimming in the direction You're guiding.

It's when I surrender and dive deep,

Seeking to go where You call me,

That I feel Your strength to go.

There's something beautiful

About being powerless within the waves of Your will -

To know there's nothing left for me to do

But feel Your enveloping presence and...

Surrender.

The longer I stay here with You

The more I know that this is where I long to be,

And nothing can compare to the peace there is

In feeling the wild, enveloping, strength of Your love

As day by day You lead me in Your will.

~ZA

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Loved Though Fallen

Orginal Picture From Devintart

Loved Though Fallen

8/28/13

Bound by choices, held in lies.

Laughing, singing, to drown my cries

That echo in the dark.

Down in a crevice, deep in the vice.

Struggling, reaching, falling down twice

And then again and again.

Spinning in circles, knife in my chest.

Wondering, hurting, but smiling - lest

They see my pain.

Blood on hands, dark running deep.

Walking, acting, pretending to sleep

So they won't ask questions.

Dancing the steps, much too slow.

Stumbling, halting, afraid to go

But it's too late to stop.

Shaking in fear, nothing to say.

Sobbing, trembling, forgetting to pray -

Or rather, too ashamed to.

Known by the Father, loves me the same.

Holding, loving, calling by name

And healing my brokenness.

Binding my wounds, whispers of grace.

Healing, refining, there's love in His face

Though He knows I fell.

Setting me down, taking my hand.

Guiding, reminding, it's with Him I stand

For He died to make me new.

~ZA

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Boardwalk Witnessing

I'm working with the ministry of the Boardwalk Chapel in Wildwood New Jersey this summer. I'm learning so much and love being here. ^_^
This poem is a bit about what it's like to go out witnessing on the boardwalk. :)

Boardwalk Witnessing

6/27/13

Lights are flashing,

People laughing,

Hear the call of, “Come and buy!”

Music blaring,

People caring

For things that cannot satisfy.

Watch them playing,

Hear them saying,

“Come along and join the fun!”

Tram cars rumbling,

Drunk ones stumbling,

Vacant stares that say, 'I'm done.'

We sit praying

That hearts are swaying -

That God's Spirit goes forth to call.

We are nothing

But God is loving;

He uses us, though we are small.

We start sharing,

God's love caring,

And try to tell about His grace.

Some will listen,

Others reject it,

And say, “You're crazy,” to our face.

We keep on trying

Though most are lying,

With the words, “I'm about to go.”

Seeing them after

Full of laughter,

And feel the pain that they don't Know.

Some say, “I'm trying,

But God dying -

That is something I don't believe.”

So we show them

What is broken;

Some will listen – others leave.

We keep walking,

Stopping, talking -

Asking them, “Why are you here?

What's your purpose?

What makes life worth it?

How do you know which way is clear?”

Some will listen,

Shocked eyes glisten,

As we tell what God has done.

They may be running

But God is coming,

And He sent to us His Son.

We're encouraged knowing,

God is showing,

His love to many lost.

Some are spurning,

But we are yearning,

To share, “He paid the cost.”

God is leading,

Sinners bleeding,

To His arms that hold and heal.

We are crying

To the broken, dying,

“Listen... God is real.”

~ZA

Thursday, May 30, 2013

I Told God I Wanted A Blessing

If you would like to know some background about why I wrote this poem, you can read about it here: Link :)

I Told God I Wanted A Blessing

2/19/13