Wounds

This post, "Outcasts" by Sorrowseyes and a talk with a friend were what brought me to write this poem. To tell you the truth, that blog post hurts... it's very... Real. Honest. Powerful. And in the end, it is summed up with important Truth.

          "And to my fellow outcasts, please come. My Abba is there, my Abba is here. I can only reflect Him, for He is too glorious for me to be but His humble servant. You precious soul, you jewel of the sea, and shining rainbow of the skies. Oh how you are loved. I will not say the things that will only hurt you more, for they have been spoken to me. But maybe you can find comfort in but a few words of mine: you are not alone. I am an outcast too. I hope that every day smiles with flowers for you, that the wind sings a joyful song for you, and that the trees dance before your very eyes. I know your agony is torturous, I know you wonder if you will ever be happy again, I know you wonder if you can stop crying. Oh, how I know your pain. My Abba never rejected me for the color of my eyes. Or the way I dressed, or how much I screamed in agony and asked Him why. He never rejected anyone because they had piercings, and tattoos, if they barely wore anything or if you could barely see their face. He does not refuse those who cannot walk, or speak, or see, or who cannot understand all of these things. He does not judge on how long or short your hair is, or if you wear make up or not, if you get up at noon and do exactly as you are told. If He does not, then neither can I, my friend. Neither, can I.

           You are dearly loved. You are wonderful. You are unique, and beautiful. With a fantastically significant life. You have a purpose. And you are not alone."

You are not alone. 

And if you are reading this and have this struggle... Know that I've prayed for you.

This post isn't an accident or a chance.

I'm here to remind you there is someone who cares -

More importantly, God cares. 

Don't give up hope.

<3

Wounds

4/27/14

Ah, friend,

You'd never know, looking at me

How broken I am.

I'm a sliver of glass

Shattered from a mirror.

I reflect what you expect me to be.

I smile now

But tonight I'll scream into my hands,

Silently begging

The pain to go away.

Silently pleading

With God

To ease my sorrow

Or take me Home.

Home with Him

Away from this pain.

Inward pain.

Outward pain.

The pain in my heart

And the pain I bring myself.

For now

I press it all down deep

And tell myself

Everything is really just...

Fine.

I'm fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

I'm really just fine.

But the darkness presses at my mind

And all my thoughts find focus

In a longing

To dull my pain.

I can dull the pain

With moment of causing more...

You smile at me

Never even guessing

How the wounds in my soul

Are leaking to stain my skin...

My broken skin...

You'd never guess

How often the longing overtakes me

And I'm left to deal with deadening ache

As I break myself

Again.

It started out small

But I found too late

That I'd fed a growing monster.

Now it claws my heart to shreds

As I do what I don't want,

Yet find myself needing to continue,

For fear of

The pressure constricting my mind.

Fear keeps me

From seeking you out

To help me.

Fear

And shame.

I hate myself.

Hate the things I do.

Hate what I see when I see myself...

Wondering for the thousandth time

How far would our friendship stand

If you knew.

Please, I need to know...

Would you love me still,

Even if you knew the truth?

That thought mocks me

A thousand different ways

As I hide.

I long for you to reach me,

Hold me close,

And stay

Even when I try to push you back

By telling you I'm fine.

If you could see

The truth

Would you stay with me?

I need you to know

I'm not okay

But that doesn't mean

I'm beyond hope.

My skin is broken -

So is my heart -

But I am still clinging to God

And begging Him to send me

Someone

To love me

Beyond my weakness.

Can I trust you?

Can I trust you to see

Behind the scars

And to my troubled heart?

If you saw my struggles

Would you...

Still see me?

Please

Don't leave me

Alone. 

~ZA